Thursday, December 17, 1998
(The Week of Finals)

I think it was his smile that first captured me. It wasn't a crescent moon, but it gave me the feeling that perfectly ripe bananas give me. His blue eyes glancing at me like the calm waves of a guilty ocean, I almost died the first time I saw him. And finally after a couple of months, I had the chance to feel the soft hair on his head. I can only wish, but I can never touch. And yet, I have the Stalker always. The Stalker is always there, constantly bugging me to give in and do whatever he requests. This Stalker I'm talking about manifests himself in humans everywhere I go. He was lil' Porky (Greg) when I was a little boy. He was David throughout my pre-teen to early teen years. David kept annoying me. In my early years, I gave in to the Stalker. I always had someone else I wanted, someone unreachable through the years. The Stalker would become aggressive if I gave the liked one attention. The Stalker always loathed whom I liked, or at least loathed me being with the liked one. The Stalker came back as Tharrin. I thought it was over then. No, unfortunately the Stalker will always be with me. I'm afraid. I like this one guy, my "guilty ocean" boy, but I am afraid to ask him if he's interested. No one who has seen me and been around me has truly been interested with me, I don't think, except for my friends. There hasn't been a guy who has been waiting to go crazy over me. I guess it's because I'm too complex. No one has really wanted to unravel the mystery. No one except for a select few, I suppose. My "guilty ocean" boy has come to know me well, better than anyone else in this freezing city. He has asked and he has given me trust, but I fear that I ask for too much. I can't think about anyone else, not even myself, as much as I think about him. I find myself losing attraction to others. He's everything I ever wanted in a man. I'll bet he's straight too. How many boys have I fallen in love with have turned out to be straight? I remember asking Patrick out. Patrick had been seeing my friend Gene for awhile and Gene tore him apart by breaking up with him. I comforted Patrick and we grew close as friends. That had been his first relationship with a guy (it was sophomore year for him). So I figured that I could probably at least ask if he was bi or not. Oh Lord, he snapped at me. My heart was broken. He sent me a letter cussing me out. I had no idea. I wanted to kill myself. And that's why I cannot ask my "guilty ocean" boy out. I'm hoping that if it's meant to be, he will make the first move. I have very uninterested romantically in most of the gay people I have met during my life. It's not like I was trying to be a total asshole - it's just that I didn't find them to have interests like me, and usually they weren't attracted to me anyways so what did it matter? Like Patrick, my "guilty ocean" boy strums his guitar, not knowing that he is being admired in the heart of a boy. My heart is hard to touch, my sad and angry emotions protect it. No one seems to want me. I will die unloved, unpassioned for. Even if Matthew McConaughey were to walk in my doorway right now, naked and willing to go for it, it wouldn't mean much. I like McConaughey, don't get me wrong, but I don't know him. I'm not going to fuck someone I don't know. It's pointless. I can fuck myself and still get the same orgasm. I want to make love to someone I know and care about, someone like my "guilty ocean" boy. Every minute spent without him is like a millenium of loneliness. I sit and think about what he's doing. I await his answers to my large questions. He's never done me wrong, but when he leaves me and goes out to party with other friends, I feel like someone's died inside. I cry everyday. I can't help it. I just want someone to hold, someone I know and care about, someone who cares about me. I don't want to fuck the Stalker anymore, just because the Stalker is inexperienced and wants to try new things. I don't care about new sexual things. I want to make love. Yes, I want to make love! I miss my "guilty ocean" boy when he's away for an hour and now I'm separated from him for a full month. Going home just isn't exciting me anymore.