Agony’s Rape
Sex. Sex is . . . often uncomfortable at times. I know that at times I may seem like the Grand Poom-bah of Gay Intercourse, but I put on a good illusion. I haven’t had much experience: just a lot of experience with the same two people (three, if you’re counting my pre-pubescent experience with Greg). I’ve never had what most would call "intercourse" – just your basic foreplay: dick sucking, dick rubbing, groping, and hot-dog-on-buns. Okay, I’ll be honest (damn you), I put it in once but I had to take it right back out because David was hurting. He told me it was too much for him (and he was the older one). I don’t mind sex, really. It’s just so damn powerful. I am a very fragile person emotionally. It’s hard for me to watch a straight couple get down without feeling pain (a bit of jealousy). I hate watching a movie where the finest chick in the world meets up with the finest diggity dude in the world and they fuck the fuck out of each other graphically. I used to like watching, but now I get jealous (Meowww!). It’s funny: I enjoy watching lesbians. Maybe it’s because I feel secure. I don’t get hot or anything. I just love watching them, their passion, and their romance. Females are lovely. I don’t know if I could ever love a guy like I could love a girl, but I could never fuck a girl. I kinda wish I were straight. I want a little Lonnie or a little Leanne. And girls are so comfortable. Have you ever hugged a girl? No, I mean, have you ever really hugged one? You feel her body so firm against your own, her breasts soft and strong simultaneously, the beautiful perfume in your senses. It can be confusing to some guys like me. Especially when you’ve never been loved by a guy or held by a guy. I mean, yes I’ve hugged a guy, but not like the firm hugs I get from girls. So, you see, when I’m watching a girl get fucked by a guy on video, it’s like watching a good buddy being violated. I know that the girl is getting pleasure, I’m not Dummy of the Year, but honestly, it hurts. I’m jealous, but at the same time violated. A girl’s "kitty" is such a private area, an area I care not to see. So I feel almost raped by the sight of one. I feel jealous that she can receive the pleasure of such a beautiful man. So jacking off to straight porn (or even straight soft-core) is like entering the gates of Hell. Now, when lesbians have sex, it’s not bad for me (as long as it’s soft-core). Triple x is too fricken fake; those girls don’t love each other. I love watching flicks like When Night Is Falling, Bound, and (my all-time favorite) Showgirls. I hope that my man and I can share love as passionate as that. I love that scene in Bound where Jennifer Tilly has Gina Gershon’s (Corky’s) hand in a definite G-spot and she’s breathing so hard and she says "Kiss me, Corky!"
Now, honestly, gay porn could be so much better. No wonder straight people are always saying "What do they do anyways?!!" The dream camera shot: two guys rubbing their "jewels" (one on top of the other) with the camera showing the action from between their legs. Sigh, but that’ll be the day. The acting: what the hell!!! The plot lines – a brick breaking from a twenty-story fall. The music is the worst. The soundtracks on HIS videos are so bad, they’re scary. I actually had to stop myself from looking into the shadows while trying to jerk-off to Huge Torpedoes. The solution: I wish it was that simple. I would become a porn director, but I have other aspirations. My solution: I use my stereo while watching. I pump up Janet’s "I Get Lonely," Missy Elliot’s "Super Dupa Fly," Björk’s "Enjoy," or even Nine Inch Nails’ "Closer" while keeping the TV volume at just the right level where I can hear the guy’s grunts and moans. A guy’s response to pleasure is the most important part of sex to me. So sound is important. I still get jealous while watching these films. I mean, here are men who are beautiful and who are having each other and it sort of makes me feel inadequate. I wonder, why aren’t I sexy? Just because I’m 5’2"? Just because I look like a little kid? I have this great hope that when I enter college, my sex life will take a status turn for the better, but the idea of that is actually kind of scary. I might just go wild.
I’m actually comfortable with myself. I’ve known the pleasure of myself, the power of my hand, for so long, I’m not sure if someone else could compare. Now that may sound vain. That may sound like the most egotistical remark you’ve heard all month, but I don’t mean it vainly; I mean it psychologically. I mean, think of it. For a couple of years in your teenage life, you are fed delicious red apples, but you always wanted to try green apples and you never get a chance to. Soon, by time a red apple comes your way in your eighteenth year, you’re like, "Fuck it! If I eat it, then I’ll miss my chance for green apples." And so you wait . . . forever.